Lord

October 27, 2008  •  Leave a Comment

Who’s fault is it when I think of the word "lord" janis joplin always interjects with "won’t you buy me a mercedes benz". Like "lord" is in my voice in my head, and then she just takes it away. I’d love to have a word with her about it if she could have only controlled her drug habits.

My misfortune abounds this weekend. Enough misfortune to strike my mind into writing a journal again, or at least aspiring to keep one. I feel like I have much to say, and so little time to say it, especially after this friday night.

Friday I had some cholos knock in my door and break a beer bottle on my face. Then they pulled a gun out and pistol whipped me when i didnt go down. When they did that I communicated to them I did not wish to die, they could take what they wanted. About 1500$ of material possessions were lost, including 500$ i had ready for rent on the first. Although I am apprehensive to say it, and the words hurt as they come out, I think it did more damage to me personally. Physically, I have around 40 stitches around my face, a head contusion and possible damage to the frontal lobe. Least to say, my mind has been changed immensely, and over the last seventy two hours I have experienced many things many times over that I have never experienced in my entire life. It is more overwhelming than the first time I took six hits of that white fluff lysergic, and for those of you who were with me to experience that, it says alot. I didnt sleep for the first 48 hours following that night, except for on the way driving from angelo to my dads that night for about an hour. I’ve always been able to sleep on the road. When I got home to my dads I sat and played guitar for eight hours..almost all the way through. The further i go, the more i turn to it. It’s like a medicine that I am gaining immunities too. I sure don’t mind giving myself bigger doses of it, my callouses are something to be proud of.  Since this event my minds methodology has completely re articulated itself into a new manifestation of processes. Its like re-learning all of my logical exercise yet it is all coming so familiarly. That is a never ending tangent, but I would rather travel that road when I have better prepared myself for the journey.

These niggas knew it was about to be the first of the month. Fuck em. They sure did a number to my face, but they are a disgrace and their actions only exhibit a cowardice I could never descend to. I’m likely to have a harry potter scar goin down from here on out, but I am lucky to remain blessed with the gift of sight, and even more graced to be alive. Supposedly I got pistol whipped because it jammed. It was not my time to die, of that I am sure.

Along with this change, the cold weather has arrived. It takes some satirically cold air to force me to relinquish the rights to summer, and now it’s chilly enough to make me start thinkin about getting a girlfriend for the comfort. A transcendental experience mentally accompanies the transition seasonally. Summer is over, and so are the feelings we so characteristically as humans associate with it. In my sense of it, I feel that it is time to get down to business, and the lack-luster laziness has ceased. I’ve been methodically going through the motions, academically only doing what I must to get by, my atypical highschool attitude. I was supposed to have left that there. It is behind it now. Thats a legitimate claim, but I’m feelin pretty legit right now. When I return to San Angelo next week to finish the semester, I will be there solely to wait until my obligations are fulfilled and I can leave that dreadful, psyche-draining city. I should not give it a word like wait, that is not correct. Sad to say it takes a beer bottle to the head to knock the sense into me to leave. I’ve been saying I would leave in a year or two, as if something was prohibiting me from doing so immediately. As if it would not benefit me to leave now. No regrets, I’ve done that town in every fucking position possible, and its time to move on. So deeply am i looking forward to new opportunity, and the admittances my mind has yet to allow me to accept, the endeavors I have yet to hear my own mind tell of, and the beauties I have yet to succumb to. Let me be pure, let me be who I was set to be when the world was set to into its eternal animation. I strive not to amaze, but to appall.

Could I tell you of all I’ve thought of the the last few days? I only wish. Could I explain to you what I’ve seen? Only can I do this in a phenomenological way. I could explain to you every physical property of the color blue, but if you were confined to a black and white world it would be meaningless. Only once you look upon this with your own eyes will you understand, and I wish it for many, but there are only few who with knowledge of the occurrence would wish it upon themselves. True understanding is true misunderstanding, you only gain knowledge by letting go of it. I swear it to be a misanthropic experience, optimism is such a trying attitude sometimes, but not much of the time. My mother wants me to talk to a counselor, I’m completely happy within my mind, but that does not entrust someone else would be. I’ve never really willingly let anybody in, not in fear that they would not understand, but in fear of what that understanding could bring about. Time to stop delving.

This weekend I will be traveling to dallas. Thursday through Monday I will be residing at Texas Motor Speedway, god save me. Monday is my 19th birthday, so my father is celebrating it by taking me to a nascar race. I love the man. I want to get in contact with some people in the metroplex while I am there. The next weekend I will be attending the funfunfun festival at waterloo park in austin, I’ll be camping the truck out if anyone is interested. Hundreds of acts, two days and three nights of music, for 50$$$. I cannot express the worthiness put into that money. That is the most bang for my buck i’ll be getting for very long time. Unless I can find some very potent lsd, I would consider that a worthwhile investment for that event. I’ve picked up a pretty strong interest in lsd in the last few months. Much stronger than any interest in any other "inhibitor", a more convincing label for lsd would be a "catalyst" . Would you believe me if I told you I have the capabilities to produce it? Not to actually extract lsd-25, that is being overzealous. Primative hallucinogenics abound. Still derivatives from morning glory and the hawaiian seeds, but not as concentrated. If your scared go to church, if your epistemological take acid. Elevate yourselves! Happiness is only true when shared! thats a lie chris mccandless…you poor lost soul.

The realizations I’ve actualized since my last journals are near infinite. Although I never believed it, I was once a child, and I wouldn’t be half surprised if I still am. This is probably an adequate amount of writing for a first entry, but you do not understand the lengths and bounds i have left to spill, the dam has only a crack in it for now. I leave you, for now.


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